5 Benefits of Being a Neurodiversity Affirming Mama

It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.

- Audre Lorde, Writer, Speaker and Mama

Getting pizza after school (2nd grade!)

“There are so many deficits here.” 

This sentence is etched into my memory. They were said by an “educational professional” at one of Nai’s early IEP meetings as she was entering school. It was a few years before we were able to obtain placement at her current fabulous school (which we thank God for daily!). 

He spoke as if he were discussing an inanimate object, not a child. At that moment, I wanted to instantly cue up a video, and demand he open his eyes to all the ways Nai’s voice, talents and presence defied anything you could easily quantify on a page. 

Why couldn’t he see her as a child? 

After that, I vowed to remind EVERY person that this was our living, breathing, speaking, feeling CHILD. 

I carried the sting of those words for a long time. I didn’t believe them, but something in me ached each time the  memory emerged in one way or the other. 

IEP meetings are often tough to sit through - especially because there are some people in those rooms determined to reduce your kid to a number. 

But we won’t let them. 

My family and I will never stop fighting for Nai, and every child, neurodivergent and neurotypical, because dehumanization harms us all, but especially the marginalized among us due to disability, race, gender, etc. 

Learning about Neurodiversity 

Although Nai is on the spectrum (she was diagnosed at 4), I am new to learning about neurodiversity - this way of seeing differences as gifts, and not remaining solely focused on the challenges. 

When you have spent years hearing about all that is “wrong,” stepping into a new framework begins to heal something within you and your family.  

And I want this healing for all of us who have been told our kids are too much, 

and not enough, often simultaneously. 

Because ingesting these messages leads to shame which often takes years to unravel from our minds, bodies and spirits. 

According to Harvard Health, 

Neurodiversity describes the idea that people experience and interact with the world around them in many different ways; there is no one "right" and differences are not viewed as deficits.” 

There are many benefits to being a neurodiversity affirming Mama, but five are sitting with me at this moment, and I want to share them with you. 

Me and Nai Pie in the car listening to music - one of her fav. things to do!

1. You stop apologizing for your kid’s differences and affirm them - 

Nai still loves to ride in the cart whenever we’re at most stores. Some days she needs her headphones or a weighted blanket, or some extra brushing on her arm. 

Because she’s 11 now, instead of 4 or 5, some kids or adults give us a look that loosely translates to what’s up with that? 

I meet their eyes in those moments, and keep pushing Nai in her cart. 

Because we  don’t owe anyone a breakdown of Nai’s sensory differences, and I will not allow their stares to sink us into shame.

Instead, we choose to affirm to Nai that  her differences are not deficits. 

2. Gratitude isn’t just a word to you, it is a way of being.

What other Mamas see as mundane is miraculous for Moms like us  - the new words and warm snuggles, good days at school with focus, those friends or teachers your child connects with in unexpected ways. All of these are gifts, not things we take for granted. 

I settle into bliss when Nai’s eyes meet ours as she says “I love you,” asks for a hug, or open a home note from her teacher that tells us she had a great day, every bit of progress is a blessing, and our family thanks God for it daily. 

I find that I am consciously looking for those sparks of light and joy to be grateful for as we go about our days, and it shifts us into experiencing gratitude more fully. 

3. You lean into curiosity about your kid, instead of criticism.

Many of us were taught a top down approach to parenting; you lead, the child listens. Raising neurodivergent kids changes all of that because, frankly, there is no one-size-fits all model. 

We are navigating learning and sensory differences, often simultaneously.  We become curious about what we’re seeing because criticizing is a waste of time.

Nai’s sensory differences are an invitation to lean into curiosity and learn; an occupational therapist once told us she is both sensory seeking (loves all kinds of input - climbing, jumping, swinging, experimenting with touching different textures) and sensory avoiding (has a hard time when hair brushing, tags in clothes, and wearing long sleeve shirts or dresses). 

When she was younger, and we started noticing all these differences, it led me to create sensory boxes. This helped her tolerate wearing a coat and pants for longer periods of time and pants (which she can now put on everyday!).

By centering curiosity, we expand our capacity for growth, empathy and compassion. 

4. You stopped sweating small stuff AGES ago!

Yeah, you don’t have the bandwidth to sweat the small stuff. Need to change your kid’s clothes because of an accident? No  problem! You have extras in your bag or car. Noise becoming an issue? You grab the noise cancellation headphones.

Because Nai is gluten free, dairy free, and soy free, we practically carry our own food everywhere instead of expecting to find what we need at a friend’s house or in a restaurant. Instead of inviting annoyance, I prepare ahead of time so Nai has alternative food she can eat. When there are other day-to-day challenges to wade through, you learn to release the smaller stuff and adapt. 

5. You step fully IN the moment with your kid, mothering mindfully

Because you take nothing for granted you are fully WITH your child, in the moment, whether it’s joyful play, therapy sessions, or you are helping them work through a meltdown. 

Whether we realize it or not this is mindfulness practice -  coming off of auto pilot and into present moment awareness,  a deeper sense of connection which blossoms in this space. 

There is a quote from Rumi which speaks to me in many ways, and inspired my own poem, Wounds Become Wings: “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” 

Through it all, we are there, Mamas, showing up with warmth, kindness, acceptance, radical love and compassion. 

Remember this on those days when you feel you’re not doing enough. Your presence is the gift. 

 Some resources (scroll down for our mindfulness meditation and caregiver affirmations) to remind you that affirming is beautiful, even on those challenging days! And check out the Neurodiversity Podcast, too. I am learning so much from them.