How the “One Activity” Rule Helped Our Neurodivergent Family
Written by Jen Kwok
Jen and W
Photo courtesy of the author
My brain has always worked “differently”, and I was relieved to find a new level of self-acceptance after being diagnosed with ADHD in postpartum. Once we left the toddler years, we learned that our son, W, also had ADHD. This added another layer to developing new strategies and tools as a family. At times it can feel like double the chaos, but being on this journey with W has also helped in two ways: 1) having a kid who is also neurodivergent has allowed me to see ADHD behaviors and tendencies from an outside perspective and 2) it has motivated me to keep trying new tools and skills so that W can grow up practicing them from an early age.
Living in a household where two out of three people are neurodivergent (W’s dad is the walking definition of executive function!), means that most of the decisions we make are based around our ADHD. And like many parents in our neurodivergent community, we have found that some of the things that work for our family may not “make sense” to more neurotypical folks. In my case, it has also meant specifically going against the values of my Chinese and American upbringing, which glorified productivity, time maximization, and lots and lots of extracurricular activities.
Around the time that W turned three, the number of activities available to him grew exponentially. All of a sudden, parent email lists and social media ads were pinging me with an endless array of gymnastics classes, art lessons, nature workshops, etc. It was a main source of conversation and social bonding among parents, and it seemed normal to want your kids in as many activities as possible. It seemed normal for a family to attend multiple soccer practices, birthday parties, and a local street fair all in one weekend. It did not seem normal to have a rule for “one activity per weekend”.
W having fun!
Photo courtesy of the author
Even before W was diagnosed with ADHD, we knew that he had trouble with sensory overload. This made it difficult to attend public events or group activities–particularly loud, indoor ones. He would become overstimulated, and I would constantly stand watch over him–also overstimulated, with my already-dwindling executive function in short supply. I felt other parents judging me for intervening too much and I also felt other parents judging me for not intervening enough (shout out to rejection sensitive dysphoria!). After we left certain events, W’s meltdowns could take hours to console, and I would often go into a functional freeze afterward. This is how a half hour event could turn into a vortex that sucked up the rest of the day. Hence the “one activity per weekend” rule.
After W got his diagnosis, it confirmed a lot of what we already knew. He struggled on the days that he was at school for longer than three hours. My mind played back to my own overwhelm during group classes or childhood parties. Realizing what W was going through gave our family permission to say “no” to doing too much. We had a clear threshold that was lower than most, but there was no longer any guilt associated with having a sparse schedule that was right for us. This forced us to be intentional with the single extracurricular activity we would choose per season, and the single group or social event we would choose per weekend.
We said “no” to extremely stimulating activities like county fairs, which many children in W’s age group had already been attending for years. It was gratifying when we finally went to one and W gladly rode the teacup ride with me. We said “yes” to participating in tee ball because it was outdoors and had a loose structure. It allowed him to learn hand eye coordination while running around with friends in his “lucky number 8” uniform–an auspicious number in Chinese culture.
We had to cancel, postpone and reschedule so many museum trips to NYC due to the revolving door of illnesses that little kids get. But it made his first visit to the American Museum of Natural History all the more memorable. Having a small number of activities also allowed us to put time and energy into preparing beforehand and decompressing afterward.
During these transitional times we would use the tools we learned from W’s teachers and therapists: coping ahead, social stories, meditation and belly breathing. We set timers and made checklists to decrease my own risk for distraction while preparing to get out of the house.
We used a visual chart to help W identify “how his engine was running”, and to help remind him that he could ask for a body or brain break if his “engine” was running too fast or too slow during an activity. We went over rules and expectations while his body was calm and in a familiar environment.
Limiting the number of activities also improved the chances that W would have a higher rate of positive experiences in a group setting. Over time, we saw his focus and impulse control improve, along with his ability to interact with peers. Quality over quantity.
W and Dad having weekend fun!
Photo courtesy of the author
The “one activity per weekend” rule expanded as W matured and seasons changed–literally, as outdoor activities were always easier. We experimented with adding a second activity on the weekend while still avoiding back-to-back events. The rule wasn’t forever, but it provided a strong foundation for us to build awareness for conserving our time and energy as a family.
Even now, as W is getting older and unlocking yet another new set of activities, we are trying our best to take our experiences into account before committing. We look at the amount of structure versus free play, individual versus group time, parental involvement, the sensory environment, and any necessary transitions. Now, most of all, we constantly check in to make sure he still wants to do it.
Many of the tools we are trying to put in place for W are things that I have struggled with most of my life. For me, one of the biggest gifts of ADHD is being interested in and wanting to do so much. On the flip side, the biggest struggle has been learning to prioritize, choose and focus.
In learning how to set limits for W and our family unit, I have started learning how to set limits for myself as well. Learning about ADHD in tandem with W has been a challenging and rewarding process at the same time, but one that helps us to continue to evolve as a family. Even as things continue to shift, I’m grateful that we have the opportunity to keep exploring and redefining our neurodivergent version of “normal”.
JEN KWOK is a mom, songwriter and performer based in New York's Hudson Valley. She has created music for Sesame Street and The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and appeared on such shows as Netflix’s Friends From College and ABC's Quantico. Jen is a proud neurodivergent mom of a neurodivergent kid, and an advocate for mental health in the AAPI community. www.jenkwok.com
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